Thursday, September 30, 2004

To satisfy the requirement to update...

200 Things I May or May Not Have Done

blue items are things I have done

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink

02. Swam with wild dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Done a striptease

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea

14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise

15. Seen the Northern Lights

16. Gone to a huge sports game

17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

19. Touched an iceberg

20. Slept under the stars

21. Changed a baby’s diaper

22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

23. Watched a meteor shower

24. Gotten drunk on champagne

25. Given more than you can afford to charity

26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

28. Had a food fight

29. Bet on a winning horse

30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

31. Asked out a stranger

32. Had a snowball fight

33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier

34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can

35. Held a lamb

36. Enacted a favorite fantasy

37. Taken a midnight skinny dip

38. Taken an ice cold bath

39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar

40. Seen a total eclipse

41. Ridden a roller coaster

42. Hit a home run

43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days

44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking

45. Adopted an accent for an entire day

46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

48. Had two hard drives for your computer

49. Visited all 50 states

50. Loved your job for all accounts

51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced

52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

53. Had amazing friends

54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

55. Watched wild whales

56. Stolen a sign

57. Backpacked in Europe

58. Taken a road-trip

59. Rock climbing

60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice

61. Midnight walk on the beach

62. Sky diving

63. Visited Ireland

64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love

65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them

66. Visited Japan

67. Bench-pressed your own weight

68. Milked a cow

69. Alphabetized your records

70. Pretended to be a superhero

71. Sung karaoke

72. Lounged around in bed all day

73. Posed nude in front of strangers

74. Scuba diving

75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

76. Kissed in the rain

77. Played in the mud

78. Played in the rain

79. Gone to a drive-in theater

80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it

81. Visited the Great Wall of China

82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog

83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better

84. Started a business

85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

86. Toured ancient sites

87. Taken a martial arts class

88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman

89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

90. Gotten married

91. Been in a movie

92. Crashed a party

93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have

94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy

95. Gotten divorced

96. Had sex at the office

97. Gone without food for 5 days

98. Made cookies from scratch

99. Won first prize in a costume contest

100. Ridden a gondola in Venice

101. Gotten a tattoo

102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on

103. Rafted the Snake River

104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”

105. Got flowers for no reason

106. Had sex in a public place

107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything

108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug

109. Performed on stage

110. Been to Las Vegas

111. Recorded music

112. Eaten shark

113. Had a one-night stand

114. Gone to Thailand

115. Seen Siouxsie live

116. Bought a house

117. Been in a combat zone

118. Buried one/both of your parents

119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off

120. Been on a cruise ship

121. Spoken more than one language fluently

122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone

123. Bounced a check

124. Performed in Rocky Horror

125. Read - and understood - your credit report

126. Raised children

127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy

128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

129. Created and named your own constellation of stars

130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did

132. Called or written your Congress person

133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

134. …more than once? - More than thrice?

135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking

137. Had an abortion or your female partner did

138. Had plastic surgery

139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived.

140. Wrote articles for a large publication

141. Lost over 100 pounds

142. Held someone while they were having a flashback

143. Piloted an airplane

144. Petted a stingray

145. Broken someone’s heart

146. Helped an animal give birth

147. Been fired or laid off from a job

148. Won money on a T.V. game show

149. Broken a bone

150. Killed a human being

151. Gone on an African photo safari

152. Ridden a motorcycle

153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph

154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced

155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol

156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

157. Ridden a horse

158. Had major surgery

159. Had sex on a moving train

160. Had a snake as a pet

161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing

163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours

164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states

165. Visited all 7 continents

166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

167. Eaten kangaroo meat

168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground

169. Been a sperm or egg donor

170. Eaten sushi

171. Had your picture in the newspaper

172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime

173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

174. Gotten someone fired for their actions

175. Gone back to school

176. Parasailed

177. Changed your name

178. Petted a cockroach

179. Eaten fried green tomatoes

180. Read The Iliad

181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read

182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them

183. …and gotten 86’ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you

184. Taught yourself an art from scratch

185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt

187. Skipped all your school reunions

188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

189. Been elected to public office

190. Written your own computer language

191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

193. Built your own PC from parts

194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you

195. Had a booth at a street fair

196. Dyed your hair

197. Been a DJ

198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal

199. Written your own role playing game

200. Been arrested

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The Truth About Love

All I can say is this:

When it rains, it fucking poors.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Never Forget

All We Are Saying Is Give Peace A Chance
September 11, 2001

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

"Peace First, Then Love!"

Legendary Producer and Musician Mark Hudson and I

I've been away a while and later I will write a long long entry as to why. However, for those that read this, I thought I would include this pic. Mark Hudson is an inspiration to me and I love the fact that I have had the pleasure of meeting him several times.

Peace and Love Mark!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Useless Information Bank

As those who know me are aware, I have a lot of information in my brain that many would think completely useless. There are topics, people, places and times that fascinate me, which in turn drives me to study them in depth. One such example is the 1960's music scene and the culture surrounding it. In fact, I even wrote a long paper on the influence of the Beatles on the culture and trends of the 1960's when I was in high school (can be found on my website - My Home to the right). If prompted, I could tell you the story of the night Donovan met the Beatles in Bob Dylan's London hotel room or let you know the long complex story behind the song "Layla". As I study these little obsessions of mine, I store the stories and facts into my memory. At any given time, I can recall and spout out these juicy tidbits, many of which are complete useless for the real world.

On the other hand, if you were to ask me what I did last Saturday night or what date I last talked to my friend in LA, I probably wouldn't be able to give you the right answer. Strange.

Many find this facet of my personality interesting and even charming. I guess it has a purpose then.

More later...

Tuesday, August 10, 2004


If you've ever watched the movie or read the book High Fidelity, you'll know that the main character goes into a diatribe over the importance and significance of making a good mix tape.

I am a student of this ideology. I work very hard on my compilations when I take the time to create them. I tend to include appropriate dialog from movies or television that seem to fit the theme of the mix. And of course, the mix always has a theme or at least is geared for a certain person, creating a theme all its own. I've made mixes with names like "Wild Plums and Agrimony", "Staring into the Abyss", "Take A Drive...", "Beatle Bites", "True Romance", "Happy Crimble To All" and many more. I've compiled songs to create the illusion of a lover's quarrel or even a mental spiral down into depression and suicidal feelings.

There is an art to mixing together the masterpieces of others in order to convey a message to the listener. It's something I take very seriously with every mix I make. Music to me is one of the most intense forms of communication, second only to writing a letter. But imagine writing a letter through the music of others... what a power that could emit!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

For Good

I don't usually do this, but I can't seem to express my feelings lately, so here's some lyrics that sum it up:

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are lead to those
Who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return

Well I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today because I met you

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever ways our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend

Like a ship run from its mooring by a wind off the sea
Like a siege rocked by a sky bird in a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For all things I've done you blame me for
But then I guess
We know there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you
Because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Inside-Out Girl

Inside-out girl, what's your game?
Wandering through life
Visible heart engulfed in flame
Inside-out girl, what's you name?

Inside-out girl, please don't cry
Who burnt you
Until you can no longer recognize
Inside-out girl, please don't die

Inside-out girl, why so low
Tough outer skin
Isn't something you can show
Inside-out girl, don't you know

Inside-out girl, pink and red
Once you were
Wholly in tact, toes to head
Inside-out girl, you've made you bed

Inside out girl, how's it to be
When the world
Tramples you under its feet
Inside out girl, aren't you me?

Original work - Copyright Maple de Fische 2004

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

The Ice Is Getting Thin

I'm one of those people who must have a soundtrack to my life. I love to pop in Ani, Tori or Evanescence when I'm feeling very jaded and angry. And I love to cry to Sarah and Alanis when I'm feeling dejected. By far, the songs of Van Halen and Brian Setzer Orchestra get me upbeat and sunny.

And then there are the songs I relate to those I have known in my life. We all do it - it's a type of sensory memory of those we love. And I have some great memories.

Barbie Girl (Aqua) - Rachael G
What's Up (4 Non-Blondes) - My Girls at Camp
Dancin' Nancies (DMB) - Nick
Seasons of Love (Rent) - Brian T
Leather (Tori Amos) - Erin
Move Bitch (Ludicrous) - Nathan
First Kiss (TMBG) - Mark
Love Cats (The Cure) - Shannon
King of Spain (Moxy Fruvous) - Jody
Don't Let's Start (TMBG) - Jennie
Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk (Rufus Wainwright) - Jesse
Sad Girl (Moxy Fruvous) - Leslie
When Doves Cry (Prince) - Tiffany
If I Fell (Beatles) - Christie
In My Life (Beatles) - Paulie
Particle Man (TMBG) - Karen
My Baby Loves A Bunch Of Authors (Moxy Fruvous) - Brian W
Margaritaville (Jimmy Buffet) - Karla
Riveria Paradise (SRV) - Brandon

There's plenty more and of course, some who have more than one. But I'll have to think on them.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Original Poetry: "A Poet's Goodbye"

pierce my heart, take wings and fly
love can stop my breath
like a stranger just passing by
familiar? there's nothing left

i thought i knew so much of you
i almost though you cared
enough to do the thing that few
can do, but you're just scared

i'll leave you now to live your life
to love and hurt as you will
twist and stab with that old dull knife
like a murderer who loves the kill

i gave you all i had to give
i even gave you more
and now you say in order to live
i must take flight and soar

i'll fly away on weathered wings
i'll crash and burn tonight
the salt in my wrists now only stings
leaving never felt so right

goodnight my sweet, i'll pray we meet
in a life where you can see
our hearts so close, intertwined beat after beat
but for now, i'm free

oh bloody sea
take hold of me

copyright Maple de Fische 2004

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Pieces of Me

I can be haughty and snide. I can be vindictive and unforgiving. I can be frustrating and unrelenting.

But the nicest thing is when those who know me the best simply except me - for me. :P


Thank you to the souls out there that are excepting without judgement... forgiving without question... always there. Thank you so very much from us - the misunderstood, complicated, difficult freaks with porcelain hearts.

Dedicated to You Know Who

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Secret Passion

Three Wise Men

There is a hidden passion in me for photography. Maybe it's my education in journalism or my continuing fascination with beauty. There's something almost magic about a photo. It's a moment in time and there will never be another moment like that one.

I particularly love experimenting with strange subject matter, i.e. the gnomes from my back yard seen above. It let's me show the fun side to life while still managing to be artistic. I'll have more examples tomorrow after I commune with nature for a good 6 hours (curse you, fluorescent light bulb gods - I will be FREE!!!).

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

A Closer Examination: Maple's Belief System, Deism

At the turn of the eighteenth century, a new idea began popping up in the New World: freedom. This radical idea stemmed from many sources, such as excessive tax and no representation in parliament for America, but one of the building blocks was the new religious thinking. Deism began to gain popularity and Benjamin Franklin, a founding father with true influence on the fight for independence, used deism as a base for his growing beliefs in freedom.

The gaining popularity of deism was a drastic change from the strict belief systems, such as with the Puritans. Deism is the belief that God created the world, but is no longer directly involved in the things that go on within the world. God was like a watchmaker: once the watch was created and wound up, He had little to do with the watch anymore. Deism also holds that nature is the source of spirituality, and that the individual is in charge of his or her own faith. As Benjamin Franklin put it, a deist’s mind is his or her church. Deism allowed people searching for a greater good to be comforted by knowing that they controlled their own destiny, not some god who was all-powerful. Deism made organized church unnecessary and focused on the individual for the concentration of faith. In addition, it made free thinkers of the settlers in America, free to think on things like independence and freedom of government on their own terms and not those of an organized church.

An example of a Deist thinker, Benjamin Franklin would someday become one of the most respected and celebrated men in history. He found many faults in organized religion and therefore, attempted to remove himself from it. His autobiography shows the amazing logic-based journey he took in his own mind to come to grips with his belief system. In the course of such a logical argument, he stumbled upon his own bases for belief.
I grew convinced that Truth, Sincerity, and Integrity in Dealings between Man and Man, were of the utmost Importance to the Felicity of Life, and I formed written Resolutions, (which still remain in my Journal Book) to practice them ever while I live. Revelation had indeed no weight with me as such, but I entertain’d an Opinion, that tho’ certain Actions might not be bad because they were forbidden by it, or good because it commanded them; yet probably those Actions might be forbidden because they were bad for us, or commanded because they were beneficial to us, in their own Natures, in all Circumstances of things considered.

He discovered, by searching the church that was his mind, that truth, sincerity, and integrity are virtues vital to life. Franklin showed a Deist’s learning of religion in the earliest stages. Furthermore, Franklin goes on to begin to apply his discovery to everyday life and problems. Franklin demonstrates the powers that Deism provided for free thinkers: the ability to reason through faith, and the freedom to make one’s own mind. Franklin was clearly a Deist as can be seen in his description of his beliefs in his autobiography. “...I never doubted, for instance, the Existence of the Deity, that he made the World and govern’d it by his Providence; that the most acceptable Service of God was doing Good to man; that our Souls are immortal; and that all Crime will be punished and Virtue rewarded wither here or hereafter...”. Deists took their beliefs from the original and organized religions, but made them more free and open to interpretation. Franklin rarely attended church, for he believed that by using Sunday as his day of studying, he was enriching his church within his mind. A focus on free thinking allowed for educated minds which led to a dissatisfaction with the affairs of state in America.

Through the free nature of Deism, colonists in America such as Benjamin Franklin began to think logically about their situations. In retrospect, Deism allowed the growing revolution to flourish in men’s minds and hearts by building a church of the mind and letting each man control his destiny.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Introducing: Inspiration


the intimidation of a blank page for many writers warrants knees clattering together like muted castanets fingers frozen around a waiting pen as if caught in the winter’s first frost retinas fixed in fear at the pureness of paper that words could never pollute.

the whimsical whiteness spurs only visions into my weathered mind – my pen rushing to fill in the humorous stark space with the populations of the heart and sympathies of the soul that overwhelm me. this daily race never won this ever-going struggle never resolved.

another page to be filled
its virgin qualities to be had by my over-zealous pen

copyright Maple de Fische 2004

Monday, July 12, 2004

Hi, My Name Is Maple And I'm An Animation Addict

I know many of you probably believe it childish or juvenile. But to be completely honest, there is nothing that gets me through the week better than the promise of Sunday Night Adult Swim on Cartoon Network. (I know I'm need to email me.)

Adult Swim features brainless, mind-numbing fun! I get so excited at 10:50 pm on Sundays...The shows are truly amazing to me. Let's take an example and I will show you.

Now my friends know my favorite cartoon on AS is Aqua Teen Hunger Force (with SeaLab 2021 in close second), but I wanted to focus on a great episode of Home Movies. The premise of the show, for the non-savvy AS people, is three little kids (Brendan, Jason, and Melissa) are aspiring movie-makers. They typically make very bad films that usually are based off another Hollywood film. This week's episode featured their movie "Amy Lee", a rip-off of the indie-film favorite "Amelie". Throughout the episode, Brendan tries to improve other character's lives by helping them (as in boxing with his grandfather and eventually knocking him out) or reminding others of what's important (as he does in giving his soccer coach, McGirk, a kilt so he may relive his childhood as a champion Scottish high-stepping dancer). Although the show uses its premises to make great jokes and irony for the audience, the real humor is in the reality of the story.the reminder that our youth is short and we should enjoy it while we have it.

Or maybe it's just about some crazy kids who are really bad actors/movie-makers!

Sunday, July 11, 2004

A Further Look: Sylvia Plath

So, I've explained my love of those poets who I feel close to both in spirit and mentality. I'd like to now take you down the journey of Sylvia's own words. Here is the printed poem Lady Lazarus from her Ariel collection.


I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Sylvia compares her own suffering to that of the Jewish people in the Holocaust. She feels the pain deeply and shows it with poetic power here.

Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

She sees herself a decaying shell of a human, empty and hallow. It is a deep depression that causes this feeling, usually spurred by a great loss or isolation, both of which she had been enduring.

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

Sylvia is known to have attempted suicide at least 2 times prior to her successful suicide in 1963. One was committed under her family home's porch and the poison were sleeping pills. Having taken too many, her body rejected the pills. The only scar she bared from this was a small scar on her cheek from scrapping herself on the pavement when pulled out. This scar is prevalent in her legend, Ted mentioning often in reference to her as well. The other attempt was when she tried to drown herself in the sea. She was washed ashore. Sylvia did go through electric shock treatment after the first two attempts to no avail.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

She sees herself as a spectacle to others, a type of sideshow act. She again reveals how low her self esteem has become.

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Here are the two attempts described above.

Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

These are some of the most simple and true words written by Sylvia Plath. She looks at death as just another form of expression, not as the reality that it is. This is common psychology for a suicidal person.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

She is feeling trapped, walled up. She feels this makes the suicide easier to achieve, which sadly it did.

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

Here's another allusion back to the Holocaust metaphor. She feels electric, excited even at the prospect of a new challenge. Sylvia was a well-known perfectionist and hated to see the failure of any of her works, including suicide (again seeing it as a work of art).

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

I think she talks to a combination of men here. Ted is surely one of them, but her former lover/teacher Richard Sasson and her father seem to play a role as well.

Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

Sylvia rises like a phoenix, born again out of fire and ash as this mythic bird is. She is bitter at the male sex. She shows them great contempt.


This is sadly Sylvia's most telling poem, I believe (I would rate Daddy as the second most autobiographical). Take my interreptation as you will, or make one yourself. But, let no man say Sylvia's poems were trivial.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Lady Lazarus Indeed

I have a great fascination with those sensitive souls like me... destined to write in verse of great pain and suffering. One of my favorite subjects is that of young Sylvia Plath. Surely you've all heard of this tragic figure. But it's the continuing mystery behind her paranoia and everyday deductions that fascinates me all the more.

Yes, I know many find Sylvia Plath depressing and dreary. I find her inspiring and familiar, for in her poems, I see some of myself. Many Plath fans dislike Ted Hughes for his part in Sylvia's eventual suicide, but I see him as a factor to her living as long as she did.

My recommendation? Read some of Sylvia's journals and you will begin to see what I mean. And for god's sake, add The Bell Jar, Ariel and Birthday Letters (Ted's poetry about Sylvia) to your book collection. You will never regret it.

Two Women Reading by Sylvia Plath

Self-Portrait by Sylvia Plath

Friday, July 09, 2004

My American Splendor

Another week rolls to a close and again I have nothing to show for it, minus a paycheck that will be gone soon and a collection of handmade cards for my sick colleague. I feel like a splintered chip of maple wood today... jagged and hurt....dangerous and dying. It's a tough thing to live in the office space world we all eventually populate. Florescent light bulb gods sap our very souls from us hour by grueling hour. Carpal tunnel creeps into our swollen wrists despite the precautions made by facilities. Mind-numbing banter softly meanders into our psyche, harassing our freedom of thought and will to survive.

Morbid, eh? It's how I feel sometimes... trapped in my half-a-cubicle... staring outside through tinted glass to the busy world going on around us.

Damn it, never should have decided to drink tonight...............

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Mixing It Up

"Flirting with Fame" Mix (still in works)

01 Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous - Linkin Park
02 Man on the Moon - REM
03 Vincent - Don McLean
04 Jimi Thing - Dave Matthews
05 Andy Warhol - Evan & Jaron (or David Bowie)
06 Bob Dylan - Nine Days
07 Bukowski - Modest Mouse
08 Roll Over Beethoven - The Beatles
09 Randy Scouse Git - The Monkees
10 Brian Wilson - Barenaked Ladies
11 Hey Jack Keroack - 10,000 Maniacs
12 Bette Davis Eyes - Kim Carnes
13 Buddy Holly - Weezer
14 Sylvia Plath - Ryan Adams
15 Eulogy for Lenny Bruce - Nico
16 Candle in the Wind - Elton John
17 Fame - David Bowie/John Lennon

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Phoning It In

this is an audio post - click to play

P.S. Happy 64th Birthday to Mr. Richard Starkey! Peace and Love, baby!

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

The Demon Inside

When people ask me about myself, my typical reaction is "full-blooded Scorpio". But, for all those not sign-savvy, I'd like to explain.

I personally have 4 of 10 signs in Scorpio. On top of that, my chart is very concentrated in one quadrant. Enough, technical talk. This means I'm very strongly influenced by the traits of a few number of signs. Now that doesn't mean I'm boring or constantly the same way.

Let's see... imagine a bartender blending a drink. Instead of mixing a gentle blend of alcohol and miscellaneous ingredients, he fills the glass to the rim with Grey Goose Vodka, Amaretto and Tequila. Unknowingly you drink half the glass in one gulp before running for the porcelain god. The drink? It's me.

So what does this elaborate metaphor matter? Well, boys and girls, Scorpios are known for two very negative traits: bottling up feelings until they explode and need for vengeance. And seeing that the scorpion poison coerces through my veins, I'm very susceptible to these flaws.

If I ever feel betrayed, ignored, left behind... I have an awful tendency to hide my feelings about the situation. That is until too many occurrences build up. I begin to see red and I can feel my heart begin to race. I drop subtle but stinging hints into my demeanor or address to those I feel have wronged me. I slowly let doubt and fear creep into their mind. Just when I feel them hurting, I explode with a self-serving diatribe.


Now you begin to understand this hellish existence. If I knew another way to be, I would be. If I could change the feelings that compel me to drive away others, I would change. But the sad truth is... I don't.

Monday, July 05, 2004

All I Want Is Blackness & Silence

It's all a blur...

Let's just say that lately, things have been rough. I feel like overflowing glass most of the time, too many mixed emotions welling up inside me. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I don't want to see or talk to's too much for my emotional well.

I know I'm just depressed. But this seems different than any other trough I've been in before. There's something more permanent about this one. I've been this low for over two months.

Perhaps it's the lack of companionship.

Kind reader, don't worry about me though ... I'll make it through this. It's just gonna take some time.